sorry for long wait

 Hello,

I want to say a apology for a long wait since my last blog post. Stuff in my life have been happening and I have been trying to figure it out where it would all fit in my life. Also with Covid pendemic I've been trying to figure me out cause for most of my life I feel like I had to comform who everybody else expected me to be. Without givn me a chance to understand who I am.

Do I know who I am? far from it. I don't think I will ever know who I fully am cause of use of living in other people shadows and having to comform. Be unseen being told to act different because people might see me as strange, different and that being Dyslexic 25 year old  who like watching disney, musicals, historical drama, who also love reading fantasy books might be something wrong. 

Also they most be something different for me as a single 25 year old who is not in a relationship and overweight and that i will find it hard cause i am getting older and nobody want a fat girl who not pretty and dressed in a mini skirt and a crop top,

Like I am getting therpy who making me see that how i feel are all down to the truma of being naglected as a baby and how growing up the effect of people dying, leaving me, just ignoring me, bullying me both emotional and physical and sexual assualt has had a real nagative effect on how I am scared 24/7 from people who i love in my life leaving me cause they hate me.

I can't count how many times in the past month i am waiting from a text, fb message or call saying that a person doesn't want to be my friend or seeing that everybody on my fb have defriended me or people banned me from somewhere cause they no longer wanted to see me. possible equal about 3 times a day, give or take. 

my therpist is making my realise this is due to truma that I couldn't control, that i created fears because i have experience them in the past so worried that it will happened again. Like on the 17th of september is a big day on a social calender and the amount of times since i've been invited have I worried about the guy who sexual assaulted me will be near by and they will see me and will try and harm me.

I know in my head that there a very slim chance of that happening but due to happening that one time I am still scared, I am not letting it stop me from having a good time. 

Anyway got to go

speak to all soon

Zanny